This Is How We Live

I HAVE MOVED!

2009-03-22T11:28:00.003Z

So after some consideration, I have decided to move to WordPress! I feel it has more functionality and is also more up-to-date in the way it works. I hope you will decide to keep reading at my new address!

You will notice that I have made all posts from 2008 private. This is because no one is going to read them, so there's no reason for them to take up space on the archive. I will probably make all older entries private for the sake of keeping things tidy from now on (this is something I couldn't do on Blogger without deleting my entries).

If you happen to stumble upon this after I have closed it, my blog is basically life from my point of view and I'd love to see you at my new address. :)

Thanks everyone! :)

I Cannot Believe This Weather

2009-03-21T10:19:00.002Z

It is STILL sunny. It is STILL warm. This is CRAZY weather for March in Scotland! Not that I'm complaining; I raked out my tiny denim shorts in celebration :D Haven't had a chance to wear these since summer last year so I am most happy about this development. Apparently it's going to be a really hot summer but I don't see how they can predict that. :P I hope they're right though.

So yeah I am in a very very good mood. Still haven't decided what to do re: the blog. I've had a look at Wordpress and it seems to have a LOT more features than Blogger, plus I would be able to import all of my existing entries and play about with them as desired. If I do decide to move to Wordpress I will leave a notice on here with my new URL for anyone who wants to keep reading. :) I don't think I would go back to using LJ as I have heard they may be going under and I don't want that kind of insecurity for my blog.

Ooh, '99 Red Balloons' just came on. I LOVE this song. It's not the original, it's a college rock version. It's such a clever song. I think I'll put the lyrics up on the sidebar for a while. :)

Beautiful day

2009-03-20T17:12:00.003Z

It's a beautiful day out here in the sticks. Warm, soft, hazy light; bright daffodils beginning to rear their heads and show their colours... It's amazing. It just makes you glad to be alive.

Apparently there is no way of "hiding" older entries short of making them drafts. So that might just have to be what I do. Or open a new blog, lol. I was thinking of taking another look at LJ, or maybe opening an account on WordPress. It annoys me that there's no way of "cutting" your entries using blogger. So for the tl;dr folks I think things can be a bit tedious on Blogger. On the other hand I find Blogger is really easy to use. Bleagh I don't know. :D

Okay, I'm back.

2009-03-19T11:05:00.004Z

Really sorry for being such a crappy blogger lately. Honesty time: I've been dealing with a breakup and I have been miserable, and I didn't want to bore the interwebs with my whiny rubbishness. But, I am starting to feel better, so now I feel ready to leap out of my shell and get on with my life. I had a really great time with Todd and it's sad that things didn't work out between us. But seriously, I am not the first person in the world to get broken up with so I've decided to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.

So I got my unconditional for college, which means I will be moving about 200 miles away in 6 months' time. REALLY excited about it! I'm going to be doing a two-year course in Social Sciences, after which I hope to take a gap year, probably in Australia. I have this *probably unrealistic* idea of working in a cafe on a beach for a year. :P But hey, why not? You DO get cafes on beaches, therefore it is not impossible. :D

As for new relationships? I'm not feeling particularly inclined to 'get involved' with someone anywhere in the near future. A breakup is somewhat like grieving, in that you go through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. So for anyone who cares... this is what I did:

Denial: Of course he still loves me. He just isn't feeling great. It'll pass!

Anger: He's being a douche. Grr! Show me some respect, jackass! How DARE you treat me like this?!

Bargaining: Well maybe if I just try harder... he'll feel better? :S

Depression: He doesn't love me. *cries* WHY? I am so lonely and sad! I can't be happy!

Acceptance: Okay, I am better off without this. I don't love him any more anyway.

Obviously that is the bare mininum... you won't want to know the rest. :P

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog from hereon. I think I might revamp it at some point, and try to find a way of 'hiding' previous entries, though I can't think of one that doesn't involve deleting them. Hmm. Will ask around about that. Toodles!

._.

2009-03-13T15:50:00.002Z

Good grief, I haven't posted in forever. Reason? NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Seriously, I am so bored. All I seem to do is the following:

Bum around with mates in town.
Bum around at home.
Cook/clean.
Paint, sometimes.
Wonder about my relationship with Todd, such as it is.

So I apologise for not posting anything in forever, but seriously - nothing is happening.

Spring is here!! :D :D

2009-02-24T14:56:00.002Z

Snowdrops and crocuses! I feel happy and free! :D

Oh! no! where did the groove go?

2009-02-23T12:27:00.004Z

The rhythm thief was here! :(

Explanation: Me and Todd are pretty much over. Since we broke up at the beginning of January there has been this lingering half-relationship going on and that has been really difficult. But I've given everything I had to give to our relationship to the point where I was completely bled dry, so now, I have to move on. Bizarrely, I feel okay about this. The last few months have been so hard and I just feel relieved that I'm not going to be in that situation any more. I don't know what will happen in the future. In an ideal world everything will get better and in a few years from now we'd get back together. But the world is never ideal so I don't know if we will even be friends. I hope we can be eventually though.

Really, this has been quite the ride, and I don't regret a thing. <3

In other news, I've taken up drumming again and I'm really enjoying it! I'm a bit rusty, especially when it comes to doing fills, but I don't think I'm doing too badly. :) Also hoping to go flying this week, and meet up with some friends. Speaking of which, I went out to see "Push" at the cinema on Saturday - if you haven't seen it already GO AND SEE IT. The synopsis does it absolutely no justice; it's very deep, political and artistic, the characters are strong and well-acted, the plot is amazing, and the soundtrack is fantastic. I give it five stars! And if you know me, that is a VERY rare thing. Seriously, go watch :D

Planning to post some pictures this week. Of what, I don't know, but meh I'm sure I'll find something. Sorry for not blogging much this month, needless to say, it's been very difficult, but now that I'm feeling a bit better I'm going to be writing more often I think. :) Laters!

More about Macs

2009-02-17T15:56:00.003Z

Yes, I realise this is going to be terribly boring for most of you, but I feel like writing and I love Mac computers too much not to write about them. :3

The one I've decided to go for is the iMac:

Isn't it pretty? For me it's just the essence of neatness and simplicity, as the screen and computer are all one unit, plus you can choose to have a wireless keyboard and mouse so that your desk is completely clutter-free. Plus I really love how intuitive Apple software is. It's so simple and easy to use. And their keyboards are nice - always important to the writer! ;)

So that's going to be my baby. ^^

Bad blogger // Computer Geek

2009-02-12T10:01:00.003Z

Welcome to the land of ice and snow. Is it ever going to end??

I am a bad blogger because I very rarely blog, and if I do it's usually quite boring these days. Unfortunately nothing much is going on in my life that seems worth reporting to the internet at the moment. I have, however, applied for another job. It's 7 months at the local aquarium, in the shop. (Kind of ironic how I keep working at places I don't actually like. Golf club, fish... :P) I would be REALLY happy if I got this job though as I would earn like £8k, which I am in much need of! It also means that I would probably be able to afford the Mac mini, something I have been kind of coveting for quite a while now. :P I'm probably weird in that I prefer desktop computers to laptops. I mean I like my laptop and I'm very lucky to have my own one, but I just find using a desktop easier - and it's nice to have the option of both, when you can (Windows and Mac I mean) without having to split up your hard drive. Something I have discovered which is useful though is Google Docs. Pretty basic formatting but it makes it easier to move between the two I think. Although having said that, Pages can save in .doc format now, which is really handy.

Windows stuff has kind of let me down over the years, though. I've had more meltdowns, crashes, updates and problems than you could shake a fish at and it's STILL unbearably slow a lot of the time. When Windows 7 comes out I will probably fork out and buy it just to get rid of Vista on my system, though personally, I think they should be giving it out free of charge to anyone who bought Vista to apologise for what a load of crap it really turned out to be.

However... what I was considering was taking my laptop with me to lectures for typing up notes etc., then transferring them to my Mac once I got back (if I get a Mac - which I probably will). Although having said that I think I can write notes faster than I can type them, due to having my own version of shorthand, which I can't seem to do on a keyboard without thinking about it very very hard. And you don't get low battery warnings with a piece of paper. :D Meh, we'll just have to see how it goes.

So I'm back off to Todd's tomorrow morning, and who knows when I'll get back given this crazy weather?

tl;dr - I hate snow. Macs are awesome.

Return from Snowland

2009-02-09T16:31:00.003Z

Well I finally made it back home yesterday afternoon! Still quite a lot on the ground though, and apparently there's going to be more, which is kind of not cool... I dislike snow. A lot.

Other news includes, I seem to be rediscovering my guitar at last! Baby needs new strings though... so I will probably do that over the rest of today (it takes a LONG time to restring a guitar because you have to let the strings 'settle' several times before they'll stay in tune... gah ._.). It's been an interesting few days, I can't really explain why, I guess I have just been observing/learning quite a lot about people and myself.

I totally can not stop listening to the "I'm Not Dead" album by Pink. I'm trying to force myself to listen to something else, it's getting to the point where it's just sad now, and I don't want to make myself sick of it. I think I'm gonna revisit Placebo or John Frusciante. :D

Other than that... not much doing. Tata!

Posting While Away? What is this madness??

2009-02-04T16:06:00.003Z

Yep, here I am, posting while I'm actually at Todd's house. Unfortunately this isn't the miracle you might have been hoping for; he has some friends over right now so I'm making the most of the free time (I'm here 'til Friday so I'm not bothered really). Plans so far are to go bowling or play minigolf in town tomorrow. Either of those sounds really fun to me. We were gonna go ice skating but the rink is closed again, unfortunately. Also hoping to do some music at some point, just mucking about on guitars as usual, although very soon there will be a drum kit here which I am REALLY looking forward to! I'm not amazingly good at drumming but I can keep a rhythm going fairly easily. :)

Tonight I am Chef! Hoorah! I'm going to make lemon and black pepper turkey with roasties and veggies. Mmmm lemonyness. :D

Not much else to report, just thought I should post when I got the chance. :) Much loves! xxxx

January's Painting

2009-01-30T14:08:00.003Z

Here it is! I'm glad to finally have it over with, it's been in my head since the beginning of December last year. It's about a lot of things, but most significantly how precious time is even when we don't realise it; constantly we are running out of time, wasting minutes and seconds and years of our lives on pointless pursuits. Have we said everything we wanted to say to that one special person? Have we seen everything we wanted? Done what we set out to do? Only we can know the answers to that. The biggest question of all: Have we had enough?

Not sure why I'm writing

2009-01-27T13:07:00.002Z

It's funny, but I really don't know why I keep this blog any more. When I started it my objective was to get to know myself better, and I've done that, which is good. But now it feels kind of pointless to write in here because I'm always saying more of the same. This week I stayed with Todd's family. I cleaned my room and read this book, it was rather good. Tada.

I dunno, it just feels like what I'm writing isn't particularly relevant to anything. On the other hand, do we ever stop getting to know ourselves? Is there ever a time when we feel like we know everything we think, say, and do? I don't think we can, we are constantly shaped by the things around us; our environment, what we read, the conversations we have, the places we go. We're in a world that's constantly changing and the only thing we can really do is to change with it. And on and on forever. And I think, right here in this tiny corner of the Internet, that great, vast electronic system that connects us all together, am I really writing anything worth reading? Will it stay here forever, do my words have value? And yes, I think all words have value. So I keep writing, and keep wondering why I'm doing it. So it goes on.

Life is the strangest thing. I just finished reading "The Gift" by Cecelia Ahern last night, and wow - I highly recommend it for the message it puts across. It's quite a quick, simple read, but it's powerful. Again, shaping.

I've nearly finished my first painting of the year. I'll post a picture of it when it's done. Laters.

Something Rotten

2009-01-23T11:52:00.003Z

Good grief I am having a rotten start to this year. Sorry for not posting so much, have been ill this week (again) and trying not to succumb to the urge to curl up in a corner and cry over the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. It's completely lame because I KNOW that things are better this way for the time being. I just hate being on my own. But I hate being a whiny biatch even more so I'm trying very hard to snap myself out of it. I just need a good slap in the face, I think.

The weather is promising so I may get to fly on Sunday, which would be awesome. I have been a bad girl though and not kept up with my theory. Oooops. ^.^

Other than that, I don't have much interesting to say, other than that I finished "Kushiel's Chosen" by Jacqueline Carey. It was absolutely brilliant, but like the last book of hers I read I was pretty tired by the time I got to the end. She has a very rich writing style, which I love, but her books are LONG and unfortunately I'm one of those people who hates reading more than one book at once. I'm giving myself a nice break before I make a start on "Kushiel's Avatar", the last book in the first trilogy. The "Treason's Heir" trilogy is even LONGER so I hope she's learned to refine her writing a little by the time I get to those. She has a bit of a habit of making her characters repeat themselves. However, the plot is extremely good, with a little bit of everything: fantasy, history, mystery, action, romance... I would definitely recommend her to most readers. If anyone's going out to get her first book I will warn you that there is a reasonable amount of erotica in her books but it's very important to the story, and it's also done classily, unlike some stuff I have read, so try not to let that put you off.

Man I have such a long reading list just now that it's crazy, I think like 10 books or something. O_o I'm loving it but at the same time it seems really daunting because I am always getting new stuff thrown my way. Teehee. Anyhoo I'm off for some lunch, and then some exercise. Toodlepip!

Of Art and Science

2009-01-20T11:56:00.002Z

Hello there blogsters! I am feeling rather hip and funky today. I put this down to my new haircut. It's not that much different from the last one I had, a little bit shorter and more layers. I'm really happy with it. I have such thick hair that it's just really nice having it this way, it makes it so much more manageable! Plus it is cute and sortof indie-looking. Hooray!

I think in the last year or so I have really been getting to grips with who I am as a person, especially now that I'm single. I tend to struggle with my identity sometimes and feeling that I know who I am, what I believe in, things like that, is really nice. It's given me some much-needed security. I'm also trying to get back into meditating again. That really fell by the wayside unfortunately and I have missed it. I'm also taking it a bit more seriously this time around, before it was more like an experiment to see if I could do it and if it was helpful. "The Science of Meditation". Sounds like a self-help book or something. :P I'm also hoping to get back into doing Pilates. My exercise regime is going really well though, I've lost an inch from my waist, hips and each of my thighs in just over a month. My goal is to have my target waist measurement by my birthday. That would be so awesome.

My art resolution has had to be modified, though. Drawing every day is just too much for me at the moment considering I hadn't really been drawing for about three months beforehand. And the "drawing from life" rule just got restrictive and boring. So my goal now is just to do more art in a variety of different styles (I especially miss drawing manga characters, that was always really fun). So we'll see how that goes. I'm still planning on doing a painting every month though, so January's will be started today. :)

My other plan for today is to tidy and clean my room. It's not a total tip but for some reason it just feels messy. So I'll get cracking with that. Take care :)

Hello again

2009-01-16T10:08:00.002Z

Sorry my posts have been non too upbeat in the new year so far... and sorry for not posting sooner. I'm feeling a little better than I did the last time I wrote; unfortunately I don't think I got the job I was going for, which is a bummer, but I guess it just means there's something better out there. It's not so much not having a job that bothers me, it's not having college funds. I really want to try to do things independantly.

As for things with Todd... I'm not going to go into all the gory details about why we broke up, it's way too personal for blog material. What I will say though is that we may eventually get back together... I'm not pinning too much hope on that, but it's possible. It would be nice if it did happen; I am nothing even close to getting over my feelings for him so currently I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't know what's going to happen on the romantic side, I really don't. But what I do know is that I'm sure he and I will end up being friends. I haven't spoken to him for almost a week (which is a seriously long time for us), but I'll be seeing him on Sunday night so hopefully we can clear the air a bit then.

Oh and I have a new hobby. It's sort of childish and embarrassing but also completely awesome: YuGiOh. Yeah I know, "a children's card game", which it is. But I love strategy games, and having something to challenge me. So as far as I'm concerned, it's awesome. :P

Not much else to report other than that I got a chance to go flying again on Tuesday. That was awesome. I hadn't been for about a month and a half, so it was really great to get up there again. You know how you get cabin fever if you stay in the house too long? I get ground fever. :P

So that's the news for now. Tata xxx

Complicated

2009-01-12T15:44:00.002Z

"Chill out, what you yellin' for?

Lay back, it's all been done before,

And if you would only let it be, you would see.

I like you the way you are

When we're driving in your car

And you're talkin' to me one-on-one, but you become

Somebody else, round everyone else;

You're watching your back, like you can't relax;

You're trying to be cool. You look like a fool to me...

Tell me,

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

I see the way you're

Acting like you're somebody else. It gets me frustrated,

And life's like this you,

And you fall and you crawl

And you break and you take

What you get and you turn it into

Honesty, and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it.

No, no, no." - Avril Lavigne

Just how I'm feeling about my now-ex boyfriend. What we had was truly beautiful. My only regret is that it didn't last. I love you, baby. xxx

I almost have a job(!)

2009-01-09T14:13:00.002Z

Yes it's true, in this horrible economy I think I might just have landed myself a job at Asda. I am extremely happy with this as they are a nice company to work for and you get LOTS of benefits. I had my group interview last night; they called me today to arrange the one-to-one interview, which is next Tuesday. I am extremely excited about this. :D :D

On the downside I have a throat infection, but I just keep drinking ginger tea and I also have eucalyptus oil burning and both of those seem to be helping. I love herbal remedies, oh yuss.

Off with Todd's lot for the weekend, we're going out for curry tonight, WHOO I LOVE KORMA MMMMMM

Ooooh, cookies...

2009-01-06T16:04:00.006Z

I MADE COOKIES!!!

Om nom nom, oatflake cookies... which taste a bit too much like flapjack, but never mind. I think next time I will make them thinner so that they go crunchy while they bake. Mmm, crunchiness. It was sort of a random decision to bake today, I wasn't feeling so great so I thought I would cheer myself up with it. I love cooking!

I just love candles and incense, I am an absolute sucker for them. My mum bought me a new oil burner a Christmas gift, which you can also see here. It's made of soapstone and very very pretty. ^^ I'm going for an oriental smell in my room today, burning Chinese Musk essential oil and a Jasmine incense stick. It smells really great in here, unlike the rest of the house, which smells like malt vinegar because mum is making tomato chutney downstairs... :P

I don't have much else interesting to say, so... bye!

Small triumphs

2009-01-04T17:26:00.003Z

Hello everyone. I'm feeling a bit better since I wrote my last post, I think because I have things to take my mind off of things, mainly small triumphs. So far I have kept up my resolution (to draw or paint every day), it's challenging but I'm quite enjoying it because I had forgotten how expressive it can be. I tend to curl in on myself when I don't like what's going on around me so this is doing me a lot of good emotionally I think.

Yesterday I took my measurements for the first time since I started my exercise regime two weeks previously, and I was amazed to find that I have lost about two and a half inches of body fat in total so far (2lbs). I couldn't see much of a physical difference but I could feel it so it was a great feeling to be able to quantify it. I've also noticed that a pair of jeans I'm wearing which used to be pretty tight are feeling slightly looser, which is further confirmation that I am toning up. I'm really excited; my body image was really quite poor for a while so knowing that what I'm doing is paying off has given me a massive boost.

I finished reading 'The Pilgrimage' by Paulo Coelho a couple of days ago. I love his style of writing; he always takes note of such little things that make up a life. If you haven't read any of his work I highly recommend 'The Alchemist', which is a story about achieving one's dreams. It's very inspiring and easy to read. :)

I was thinking about how many people there are in the world and how small it sometimes makes me feel. Do I, in my little sphere of known people, really matter in the long run, is my life significant? And you know something, it is, because I have the power in me to create something that could last for centuries. The Greats probably felt tiny too. And I may never be up to their standard, maybe none of my stories or paintings or diaries will ever become famous, but they're there, and for me, that is enough. I have lived, I am living, I will go on in spite of everything, I will live.

2009, it doth begin.

2009-01-02T20:28:00.003Z

So it's almost a year since I started this blog. Crazy.

Sorry I haven't posted in nearly two weeks. Things have been kinda hectic. I had an excellent new year's eve; I went to a street party where Sandi Thom and Amy MacDonald played, it was really excellent. They were handing out Scottish flags at the gates and EVERYONE who got one was wearing it as a cape, which I thought was pretty hilarious. We were so disappointed when we saw everyone else. :P I danced for about three hours, which just goes to show that working out on the trampette is doing me the world of good.

Unfortunately, I also bear bad news, Todd and I have broken up. It was a pretty mutual decision with hopes that we will get together again someday. The reasons behind that are extremely personal so I'm sorry I can't tell you more than that. I'm kind of okay though because I understand why this has had to happen, but also sad because it had to happen, if that makes any sense.

One of my friends has finally infected me with P!nk's music. I bought the "I'm Not Dead" album today. Every time I go through a breakup I have to have an album to see me through it, I don't know why. I've heard a lot of the tracks on it and liked it, so I guess this will be my album. I'm planning on buying "Funhouse" when I'm feeling better.

So that's my new year so far. I hope you're all doing well and that you'll all get everything you hope for. Toodles. :)

Merry Christmas, Blogsters :)

2008-12-23T14:59:00.003Z

Wow, Christmas already... well on Thursday it is, but I am going to be waaay too busy to post on the day :P It doesn't seem so long ago that I was tentatively starting this blog. I hope everyone has a wonderful time, and I will update again soon letting you all know how things went for me. Loves! xxxx <3

Books, Thoughts and Fighting With Boys

2008-12-21T20:24:00.002Z

(Sounds like the title of an "Ally's World" book. :P)

I've become something of an avid reader in the last couple of months. I wouldn't describe myself as "well-read" yet, since I haven't read many of the classics. But then, I'm only 18, and these things take time. Currently my book is 'Sons & Lovers' by D.H. Lawrence. It's interesting, and I have the strangest feeling I have already written about this... Hm. If I have, skip to the next paragraph; if not, his writing style is a little... turbulent? Everyone is hating and loving and loathing and adoring and despising and being passionate within the space of about five minutes. It's bizarre. I guess he must have been an emotional guy himself.

Thoughts at the moment are mainly about religion/spirituality/science/technology. I find it interesting how every culture has or had a major spiritual side to it, the way we are all looking for fulfilment. And I find it strange how intolerant that can become; many religions think theirs is the 'only true path' to God/fulfilment. I don't really see how that can be; if a Deity is infinite, why would he/she/it make him/her/itself only available through one method? It doesn't make much sense. And I find it interesting how much religious people and scientific people fight with each other, trying to prove each other wrong. Why can't they live in harmony? Without science, religion/faith wouldn't have grounding, and without religion/faith, science would have no beauty. And as for technology... While it has many wonderful attributes and advantages, it concerns me sometimes how dependant the Western society has become on it. If there was a major power outage, the world would be in chaos. And synthetic medicines... I don't like being on them or taking them at all any more, and I'm going to look into herbalism and learn as much as I can about it because surely synthetically made drugs, with all their side-effects, can't be as good for us as drinking lavender tea...

And as for 'Fighting With Boys'... Bah. Tired of it. I like how it's easier to make amends with guys; they are generally a lot better at the whole "forgive and forget" thing, but at the same time it's frustrating because they don't seem to understand the need to heal things afterwards. "Well we sorted it out, so why does it matter?" kind of thing. Bah.

How does this happen??

2008-12-20T10:34:00.004Z

Once again my room is in desperate need of tidying. I am getting really confused/frustrated because for days and days my room is fine, reasonably tidy and nice, and then suddenly BLAM it's just mess. Everywhere. So guess what I'm doing today...

Haven't been feeling too good these last few days. My grandad got his MRI results back and unfortunately there isn't anything the doctors can do for him... He was diagnosed with cerebral atrophy, so the changes in him can't be reversed. His depression might get better though, if only he would try. It's just kind of hard because he's so disinterested in all of us. I'm starting to accept it though. The last couple of days since I wrote I have been really emotional about it but now it's kind of like, well, this is how it is so I guess I'd better get on with it. It could be a lot worse.

Plus I am getting kind of nervous about Boxing Day. I'm going over to Todd's to meet more of his extended family; problem is, I always get tense and feel threatened in crowds. It's something I still need to work on but I find it quite difficult, and things between me and him still aren't 100% from my point of view... I'm planning on calling him up later today to try and sort things out, though.

I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by. I haven't finished reading through my diary yet, and I only have like 11 days to do it. Eeep. Better do some of that today when I've finished tidying. Toodles.

Stuck on a Deserted Island?

2008-12-18T13:02:00.003Z

Hey blogsters, I be back. Status Quo were really good and, to my surprise, supported by Manfred Man's Earth Band, who were equally awesome, I love blues. The light show was also phenomenal, perfectly timed with excellent colours etc. Then last night was our birthday meal out for Richard; as usual the food was really nice, and our entire conversation was based around, "If you were to be trapped on a desert island, and could take X, what would it be?", which is the kind of conversation I absolutely love. Some of our questions were simple, such as one song, one book, one extra item of clothing, etc.; some were more complex: "If you were allowed to bring your partner, what is the one reason you would bring them for?"; "If you could take one person from your childhood, who would it be?"; "What building material would you bring?"

As far as I can remember, if I were on a desert island, according to this conversation, I would bring:

- an extra pair of knickers

- my teddy

- "Small Gods" by Terry Pratchett

- "Pinch Me" by the Barenaked Ladies (as my One Song)

- my friend Josh

- a black piano forte

- cement mix

- an Irish Wolfhound

- the star ring Todd bought for my birthday

- pasta with tomato sauce

- my iPod

- if I could bring Todd, it would be for his hugs because they make everything feel better. :)

- David Hume (as my Figure From History)

I'm sure there were loads of other things but they've slipped my mind. I wonder if that list says anything about me?

Today is going annoyingly slowly. This may partly be due to the fact I am manually copying the songs from my iPod back into iTunes using a special program (since iTunes won't let you do this). Sounds great and all, but I'm using a trial version, which means I can only copy 10 tracks at a time. I am currently up to about 400 out of 1300. ._. It's driving me batty but this is something I've wanted to do for a while, mainly because of paranoia that I might break/lose my iPod (most of my songs come from my old or Todd's computer), so I've been trying to find a way of making a backup for ages. The program I'm using is quite good in that it copies things directly into iTunes, which makes consolidating your library much, much simpler. :) It's taking up the best part of my day to do this, but at least it only needs doing once, and it will give me some peace of mind.

For the benefit of Mr. Kite

2008-12-16T12:43:00.005Z

The promised photos have arrived!

Front and side-views of the new hairs:

My new jeans! :D

All of my lovely bracelets! Hematite, leather, metal, wood, amethyst...

A charm bracelet I made. The umbrella is for friendship, a la the song; the butterfly is for how I've changed, the star is for my ambitions, the heart is kinda self-explanatory. :P

Second-view of the bracelet, and a good picture of my strawberry watch. *is child*

My pooch, reclining happily on the sofa between my grandparents. This dog is an absolute fruitloop. He always expects to be treated like a human being. And we're all like, "Uh, yeah, you're a dog you muppet." :P

I have another post in mind that won't suck up all your bandwidth. I may or may not post that later on; I might leave it for tomorrow or Thursday.

Status Quo tonight. I'm looking forward to it, but I have a bit of a cold, which is kind of gay. I really hope it stays under control for the evening so that I can enjoy myself! Dunno if it's readable but my t-shird has "play loud" sewn on the front with a guitar underneath, kind of apt I think. :D Laters all.

Been a while... oops

2008-12-15T13:00:00.002Z

Hey bloggers. Sorry it's been a while since I last posted. I actually didn't realize it had been that long. I've had a pretty interesting weekend; on Saturday I went shopping in TK Maxx and found a pair of £60 Levi jeans and got them for under £20, so that was pretty cool. I find it difficult to spend a lot of money on clothes, even though the quality is nearly always better when you buy more expensive brands. You get what you pay for. Primark used to be my haunt but I'm starting to get annoyed by the poor quality. The only things I really buy from there now are underwear, printed t-shirts and plain tops/vests for layering. I get frustrated by how easy it is to shrink their clothing and also how quickly it looks worn out. This doesn't bother me so much with the underwear because it's VERY cheap in Primark and, well, it's underwear - whatever 'brand' I buy it is going to fall apart, because you need to wear underwear most of the time, so I might as well buy cheap ones. But most of the stuff is getting kinda disappointing. I much prefer Joe Browns clothing because the quality is just excellent. It's expensive compared to what I used to buy but I'm pretty well-convinced that it's worthwhile.

On Sunday not all that much happened, just had a quiet day as I've been fighting off getting a cold for a few days now. Still haven't come down with one as such, but something has definitely been trying to attack my system. I've been reading D.H. Laurence's "Sons and Lovers" and found it quite interesting, if a little... odd. He is a very emotional writer; every five sentences someone is loathing/despising/hating something, or adoring/passionately/burning with love for something else. So it's quite turbulent to read, but interesting all the same.

This week is going to be busy; going to see Status Quo tomorrow night, then it's Richard's birthday on Wednesday so we're all going out for a meal together, which should be really nice. I have been talked into wearing a skirt of all things. Todd likes to show me off a bit sometimes but I'm not a big fan of skirts and dresses myself. He got me, though, by putting on his horrible trackie bottoms. These are usually kept for his playing basketball and he knows I really loathe seeing them outside of that, so we made a deal that if he took them off, I'd wear a skirt for him on Wednesday. Fool that I am, the weather is freezing! But I've promised now, so never mind.

I still haven't posted any pictures of my new hair... sorry about that. I will get some soon. I don't tend to come out well in photos but I will try to get a good one. I'll also take one of my new jeans. Take care all.

>_>

2008-12-10T19:30:00.000Z

Sorry for not posting the promised photos. My hair didn't turn out as expected and I have yet to find a good way of styling it.

Am I a bad blogger?

2008-12-09T10:16:00.002Z

I think that's something all bloggers ask themselves from time to time. I'm not much of a one for uploading tons of photos (despite my good intentions), posting links to amusing sites, or talking about something other than my own whimsical life. But I know that some people do read my blog regularly and so I guess there must be something in here that you guys like. And I have realised something about the photos (or lack thereof): at least my page loads quickly! Some blogs I have been on took nearly five minutes to load at peak time just because of all the pictures they had posted. And that was annoying. However, you may expect some pictures later on today, as I am finally getting my long-awaited hair cut! It's a lot shorter than I'd usually go for but I am really excited about it. I feel like a change, plus it will cut the bleached ends out completely, which will be great! My hair dresser always does a great job because she actually listens. If you tell her to "just take the ends off" she literally only removes about two millimetres. It's great.

I don't know if any of you have ever read Questionable Content (link to the comic is in my 'Other Places' list), or watched Pushing Daisies, but if there were ever to be an en-masse cosplay of the characters from QC, the guy that plays the Piemaker would be PERFECT:

Off to the boy's

2008-12-05T14:24:00.001Z

Yeah, I'll be away again this weekend. Doing some fun stuff so I'll try to get pictures. I'll also update my Twitter lots. Take care folks xxx

Janis Joplin. Whoa.

2008-12-03T15:06:00.004Z

Dunno if anyone's read her biography, or even heard of her, but MAN what a woman, and I've only read up to 1962. You've got to admire someone who's as brave as she was during her life. A complete renegade. I can't begin to describe her. Just go out and read about her. She's a girl to be seriously admired.

S-S-S-Snow, Sharona!

2008-12-02T10:17:00.004Z

This was what I awoke to this morning! Isn't it pretty? And extremely ill-timed, might I add - my Significant Other's driving test was supposed to be today... Obviously it is totally NOT happening, so we have to wait and see when it will be rescheduled for, hopefully really soon. Poor honey, he wants to pass so badly! But these things happen. I'm sure they will be able to squeeze him in for next week or something. :)

I'm feeling pretty inspired today so I'm probably going to start working on another short story. It's funny but I have to keep 'allowing' myself to explore with my writing; I always tend to limit myself to one project at a time and the simple truth is that I just don't have to. I can write anything I want and it still "counts", just because it's writing.

As I usually do in December I've started reading over my diary for this year. It's about twice as long as it usually is, which is really weird, but having read up until mid-March so far, I've realized that I have really grown as a person this year, I've expanded myself. And I'm kinda proud of that because who I was before really wasn't so great. "Emotional turbulence" would probably be the best description, and I'm glad to be growing out of that.

Even so, it's hard to believe it's December already! Well, it was until this morning; yesterday it was actually reasonably mild, which was why the four inches of snow outside came as a big surprise. But I don't mind. Let's get it over with so that my Christmas and New Year plans can happen without worry. :)

My weekend

2008-11-30T22:50:00.002Z

Hi hello. This has been a pretty good weekend! I managed to go flying again yesterday, much to my surprise; given the weather here lately I'd been expecting the airfield to be closed. Richard phoned up though and it wasn't, so we decided to try to fulfill my wish of flying over Glenshee if time allowed (in nautical miles it isn't that far); however when we got there, we had to wait for the frost to lift, and as he had work later we just weren't going to have time to make that flight. So instead we just did some exercises with my turning, ascending, descending, etc. which I really enjoyed. Eventually these will be second nature to me, at the moment I'm really having to concentrate. Well actually the turning is fine, but ascending and descending require a lot more attention, which I'm not used to having to put out any more since I've effectively been out of study for well over a year. So it's probably doing me good. :P Richard's come up with this fantastic plan of us entering the races as a team once I've got my PPL, probably in about 2-3 years' time. That would be so awesome. The planes we would hope to fly in are probably about twice as fast as the Luscombe, but at a higher altitude I doubt the speed would be noticable. The Luscombe cruises at about 90 mph and I don't feel it at all.

Anyhoo enough anoraking. Today we went into town and visited the Victorian market, which was pretty nice; I also ran into an old friend who I haven't seen in years, so that was kinda cool. We also went to the toy shop and picked up a new version of Cluedo, which we tried out later. It's fairly similar to the original but there are extra playing cards to make the game more interesting and in some cases faster. I enjoyed that, as well as helping to make dinner, which is always fun. I just love cooking and I hadn't realized how much until we started doing ours up at home. Hopefully we'll be able to use it again in time for Christmas. :)

So that's been my weekend; next and the following week are going to be pretty hectic! I'll be going with Todd &co. to a Christmassy thing at a castle on Saturday, then going to a dance performance on Sunday night; on Monday I may be going shopping (not sure), Tuesday is my haircut... yeah. It'll be nice actually because a lot of the time right now I don't know what to do with myself. Ah well. I'm looking forward to it. :)

Thoughts on Linux

2008-11-27T19:47:00.003Z

My kid brother uses Linux obsessively. He's made me a user so that I can figure out what's so awesome about it. And the answer is simply: fun. Wobbly boxes for realz. =D Other than that it's too complicated for me, so I will maintain my preferred choice of Mac. Even though I don't actually have one. Boo.

But seriously, wobbly boxes. That don't crash. I mean seriously, if this was on Windows, it would crash and burn. Horribly. On Linux you can make it crash and burn, just for fun. xD

And on a side note, I really, really wanna watch 'Firefly' again. So freaking awesome! XD

Things Money Can't Buy

2008-11-27T11:00:00.003Z

1. Kisses and Hugs.

2. A good story, well-written.

3. A fire.

4. Adventure.

5. Love.

6. Happiness.

7. Memories.

8. Emotion.

9. Humanity.

10. Life-changes.

I know that, in literal terms, you can buy things to make the above happen. For example you could buy something that would make you happy, like a box of chocolates. But you've only bought the chocolates, you can't buy the happiness. Considering my lack of cash at the moment, I thought it would be apt. to make a list like this, something to remind myself of what life is about when I do have money again.

I can't believe that Woolworth's has gone under. 30,000 jobs. BT has axed 30,000 too. The credit crunch is really beginning to show. At first we seemed to be in a sort of grey area of time where we knew there was a credit crunch, but the effects of it didn't really know much. And now it all seems to be happening at once. I find myself strangely worried for those others who are unemployed. Most of them will have homes and families to keep. And 'Jobseeker's Allowance', as the dole is now called, really doesn't pay out that much, but even so - where is the government going to get the money from? It's times like this I'm kind of grateful that I live at home, even though my family drive me a bit crazy at the best of times. I'm looking forward to college but I'm seriously starting to wonder how on earth I am going to feed myself if I don't get a job down there. I'm trying to get a job at a supermarket so that I can be transferred when I move. Not much luck yet though. Still, I have plenty in my life to make me happy anyway. My boyfriend (we've made up ^^) and friends, good books, ambitions, hope. "All you need is love..." <3

Pretty flowers!

2008-11-25T10:59:00.002Z

So as you will see, I've gone back to the flowers background. The grey circle was cool and all, but it got boring pretty quickly. I think it's also easier to read my entries just black-on-white. I don't know about anyone else but I find the funky colours some people use on their blogs very hard to read. :(

I really need to find some winter-blooming house plants to grow in my room. I don't really like winter at all (as I keep saying and will continue to say until I see the first signs of spring :P) so having some pretty flowers in here would really cheer me up.

I'm planning on getting some writing done today. I've had an idea for a kid's story for a few weeks now and I think I'd like to make a start on it. I'm also planning to illustrate it/have it illustrated. My drawing skills are not what they used to be, but something cutesie like Angela Melick's style would be good. I've got a few doodles for the main character though. I think he looks cuter as a neckless wonder, but I keep making him look too much like Calvin from 'Calvin&Hobbes'. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I just don't want to get done for copyright. I will post more on my story once I have a clearer idea of the structure of it; for now I'll leave you with the title and my doodles: "George and the Perfect Pillow".

Thinking about New Year

2008-11-24T11:35:00.003Z

Around about this time of year I start reading over my diary, reflecting on what's changed, what's stayed the same, things I have experienced. I also start pondering over ideas for resolutions, which inevitably end up being the same, and inevitably end up being forgotten by mid-February. They usually go as follows:

1. Get fit!!

2. Stop complaining/whining so much.

3. Write more.

... sometimes with the odd extra one or two tacked on at the end. But those ones always remain the same. Having said that, I am getting better with Number Two. Slowly, but on reflection I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be. As for the Get Fit, it just never seems to happen, a combination of lethargy and my asthma excuses. However I've finally come up with an idea which may just work - a trampette. No cold air, I can listen to my favourite tunes while I'm doing it, it's fun (as far as exercise goes) and it will tone up my problem areas. I figured that for my upper arms I could get into a habit of doing press-ups again, and that way I should be able to tone my whole body fairly easily. Yay!

And as for the writing, well. I'm just lazy and bored. It's hard to write well when you're bored, because there's no motivation. My book has ground to a halt again, as I've started reading more often and have realized just how many flaws and weak points there are to be fixed, mainly in terms of my characters. I have also realized that I am probably a little young to be writing a book. I know there are younger authors than me in the world but, I don't feel like I have enough life experience to make it work, not enough to apply to my idea. Does that make sense? I guess I just want to do it justice. So I'm planning on writing a few short stories based around the characters in the book, to get a better 'feel' for their personalities.

I'm sure this has been an incredibly boring post, but ah well. Thanks for reading anyways.

Return from Glenshee

2008-11-23T15:32:00.002Z

Anyone from Scotland will be horrified to learn I was visiting there this weekend, the same retreat I went on last year. I didn't really enjoy it as much this year though. I mean it was nice and everyone was really pleasant and everything, it just seemed... different. I suppose because I'm very different myself. And I wasn't running away from anything this year.

I don't know if anyone's seen today's PostSecret update, but there's one about this photoshopped "larvae breast". It's kinda gross but obviously a fake, and I just can't help but laugh that someone out there actually wasted their time making it. What is humanity coming to?

Funny how things change, part III

2008-11-20T11:21:00.004Z

Sorry for the boring titles as of late but I really can't think of anything better to describe it... Todd called me up on Monday night to apologize and clear the air... then called me again on Tuesday just to make sure I was okay... and invited me over for last night, so I went... And we seem to be on much better terms. Sometimes it scares me how much my emotions can fluctuate depending on what's going on around me. I wonder if I'm too dependant on the people I love, or if I'm just an emotional type. I wouldn't describe myself as emo though. I was in the past, but long before it became a fad. In fact it sickens me the way genuine problems have become understated thanks to these attention-seeking jerks. It's just awful how cutting yourself has turned into nothing short of a trend. These people are going to be scarred for life, just for the sake of making themselves popular in a crowd. And then those people who are cutting because they are genuinely depressed don't get the help they need because they are told they are attention seeking. It makes me so angry.

... I seem to have digressed from what the point of this entry was going to be. Umm. *backtracks* Oh yes, I was going to talk a little about spirituality. A few months ago I would have described myself as religious... but I don't think I honestly can any more. My faith system has really changed. See I was in this church that basically wanted to control every aspect of your life, even down to your hairstyle and the music you listened to. And for a while I thought these people were truly right because they had biblical references for everything they said. But it got too much for me and I left in January this year. And since then I've just been realizing more and more how very wrong that church was. The whole point of religion/faith is to bring you closer to God, but this just drove everyone away and made life a nightmare as you fought and fought to be something you never could be: their idea of the perfect person. And now... my faith has sort of changed. I mean I still believe in God, but things just seem to be so much more simple now. He loves me, and I've realized that the way I worship has got nothing to do with religion or any other person, it's between me and him. It's so refreshing not to have to answer to anyone any more. Although having said that, a lot of Christians seem to be "concerned" about me, that I'm somehow sinning for not being the stereotype. It makes me sort of sad because I feel so happy and and peace, while they're still striving on trying to be something they're not.

Anyway... those are my spiels for today. I'm going away on a retreat weekend with my mum as of tomorrow evening, really looking forward to it because I'll get a chance to go rock climbing again! I really enjoyed it last year. Plus, this year I am so much more well than I was when I went before. I was so, so ill this time last year; it's amazing how far I've come. This time last year I was anorexic, depressed and in therapy. This time this year I'm slightly overweight (body went nuts and piled on the flab, haha), happy and not in therapy. I'm kinda proud of myself for that, for getting through it. But I know that without my faith, family and friends, I wouldn't be here any more. I'm just so grateful I've been given another chance. :)

Funny how things change, part II

2008-11-17T13:44:00.001Z

Well I WAS feeling pretty damn good, until he texted me to say he still wanted the break, and then when I called him he told me he'd said that the weekend had been just for the weekend to break up the space.

Yeah. Sure thing, honey.

Funny how things change

2008-11-17T12:07:00.002Z

This has been a very weird week, from Monday to Monday I mean. This time last week I was feeling horrible because Todd and I were on a break, and I didn't know what was going to happen. I wasn't sure whether I was really looking forward to Christmas, or if I just wanted to be looking forward to it (I usually don't, for various reasons). I felt sort of stuck in a rut.

And then this Monday, I'm feeling pretty damn good. Todd and I have things sorted out, I've realized I have a family within his, a place where I belong, where my character seems to fit. With my family, I mean the ones I live with, my relatives, it's not that I don't like them or that they don't like me, but we are very different people, all of us, and that can make the atmosphere somewhat strained at times. I think I'm the only one of the four of us that has faced up to that. And it isn't so bad, not really. I don't fit, and I'm okay with that now. So as it turns out, I'm going to be spending Boxing Day with Todd and his family, and I'm really looking forward to Christmas now that I don't have my other other family to deal with on that day.

Okay that sounds really confusing. Usual Christmas would be Christmas Eve and Day at home, and on Boxing Day that home gets invaded with my step-brothers, two of which I do not much like. So on Christmas day I'm usually kinda feeling apprehensive because of Boxing Day. But this year I'm excited because I get to enjoy it all! I think I still prefer Hogmany (New Year) over Christmas though. It has so much promise in it.

I'm also enjoying my present-shopping this year. I much prefer giving gifts to receiving them, and I've found some really groovy little things for my friends and family so far. I'm also on a bit of a budget, since I am *still* unemployed, but this seems to be making it even more special, because I'm choosing very specific gifts that I know will be fully appreciated, instead of having the option of buying a few things that I'm not sure will like. I'm putting much more thought into things this year.

This entire entry has been extremely rambly... Oh well. I hope it hasn't bored you. I'm probably going to post again later about some art/writing things I have planned. :)

Aughh stupid freaking Microsoft!

2008-11-12T18:49:00.002Z

Why must thou suck so?? Here's the dirt: Friend told me she was using a new version of MSN last night. I said ooh, I'd like to try it too; she said ooh, it's just beta, but here's the link... Got said link. HATE the new version. It's just... It's like they've tried so hard to make it look updated and more useful, but it really isn't. In fact it's worse, because you now only have four status settings, my custom emotes disappeared, it's a bitch to try to uninstall, and it's taking about a century and a year to get the current version reinstalled because it's only downloading at like 2.4K a second... when my usual download speed is something like 240K a second at the very least...

Seriously, Microsoft. You used to be at the head of your game, and now almost everything is a botch-job. If you don't do something seriously amazing with Windows 7 (*cough*WhatVistaWasMEANTtoBe*cough*) you guys are going under.

Rice and Tea

2008-11-10T21:36:00.003Z

So this has been a pretty strange week, and it's only Monday. I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say it's been largely to do with my Romantic Relationship. Boo.

But in happy news, I have found an awesome herbal tea shop which sells some gorgeous-sounding things, such as a blend called Oh Christmas Tea, which apparently tastes like mulled wine. Mmm! And they sell glass teapots too, which are horridly expensive but oh so cute. You have to check it out!

Also, I am addicted to a game on Bebo. You are given a word, and four possible meanings - if you get it right, 20 grains of rice are donated to third world countries, and it also gives you a vocabulary rating. I have been playing it for two days and so far I haven't got a single one wrong, and my vocab level is at 32. Well, it was. It just glitched. I clicked the right answers and it told me I had got them wrong, and they gave me the right one... which was the one I clicked! Oh well. You can add it as an app on Bebo or Facebook, or you can play it here. Enjoy!

Thoughts etc.

2008-11-06T13:17:00.003Z

Man I can not wait to get another job. I've applied for one at the cafe in Asda, but I haven't heard anything back yet because the woman dealing with it is away on holiday or something. I'm bored and I need the money. I want to be as independent as possible when I move out next August (assuming I get into college, but I'm pretty sure I will); I don't want to have be running to my parents for money all the time. And then I think of everything I'm going to have to pay for that I don't currently and get seriously freaked out.

The weirdest thing is, how much money you have defines everything else's worth. My favourite magazine, Mojo, costs £4.20 an issue. At the moment that seems horribly expensive for a magazine, even though it usually comes with a free CD. But when I had a job, it didn't matter, it was 'only' £4.20. I'm intensely aware of how much money I'm spending at the moment. I've pretty much stopped eating out now just because I can easily spend £8 on a meal that would cost something like £1 to make at home.

But I'm making an exception on Saturday night to that. Gethyn's coming up from Perth and I haven't seen him since July, so we're going out for an Indian. I'm doubly excited because I'll get to eat something other than casserole. We're doing up the kitchen at the moment so we're pretty much living on it. Don't get me wrong, I like it, and mum makes GOOD casseroles, but I'm just a teeny bit bored of them since we're having them so much. So having an Indian is going to be a very nice change. :)

Also, I really need a hair cut. It's gone into this weird, can't-do-anything-with-it, frumpy kind of hair style. I've had to start straightening it because leaving it curly, it just looks like I'm wearing a mop on my head. One benefit to this is not having to wash it every single day without fail. I can get away with leaving it for a day. It doesn't feel particularly amazing but it doesn't look unwashed, so... yeah. And it's good for the environment because I can cut more than half my time in the shower by not washing my hair. It's really thick y'see so it takes me about 10 minutes just to wash it. And if I'm conditioning it... well, you get the picture.

I'm not sure about my new background. I was getting intensely bored of the old one though. I might change it back again in a few weeks.

So, Obama won.

2008-11-05T15:03:00.003Z

Maybe now we can all listen to something different in the news? Actually I am pretty pleased that he won. McCain would have been an utter disaster. Just more of the same. I'm kinda worried that he's going to be killed, though (Obama). All the other good Presidents have...

It's kind of amusing how a lot of Americans are all like, "OH NOES! AMERICA IS DOOOOOMED!!!!!!1!!". As if it wasn't with George W Bush in power... Yeesh. You lot have survived basically everything without lifting a finger. Get over it, you are NOT going to lose your beloved country because a black guy is in power.

In other news, this is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER read. Next they'll be telling us how to remember to make our hearts beat. *rolls eyes*

I am not in a good mood today.

Learning to fly!

2008-11-02T22:46:00.004Z

Greetings, blogsters! Yes, today was my first flying "lesson" and I am completely hooked. I flew this baby for about an hour today. I can't take off or land yet... obviously... but I can control it pretty well once it's in the air. I'm definitely going to pursue this, and even though I wouldn't be able to afford my own license for a few years I'm determined to learn how to do it. Richard is a fantastic teacher and I can't wait to get to grips with the more complicated stuff like taking off and navigating. It's just incredible, such an exhilarating feeling to just take off and escape, leaving all your worries on the ground while you fly with the birds... If I can ever afford my own plane it is going to be purple with bright pink stripes. Oh yes. xD

Woe is we

2008-10-31T09:11:00.002Z

Well... here goes. My last day of being a girlfriend for at least two weeks. Yep, me and Todd decided to go on a break. Well actually mostly he did, and I kind of agreed because of this wise saying I read somewhere once and never forgot:

If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, it was always yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.

I can't say I'm looking forward to the uncertainty. I can only pray that this does change things for better rather than worse. The last few months (France aside) haven't been the greatest between us, so maybe this'll clear the air. I dunno. We'll see.

Had my flu jab last night so I feel a bit yucky. That combined with horrible PMS is making this not look like it's going to be a good day. *sigh* There's always something, isn't there?

Squishables!

2008-10-27T10:50:00.002Z

Click on the title to go to a website of awesomeness and wonder... the Squishables! They are giant, soft, fuzzy, round animal toys. My favourite is the Squishable Cow, pictured for your pleasure! Isn't he just too adorable?

At $38, they really are not that expensive for what they are (they are 15 inches tall, that's like the length of my torso!). What prevents me from purchasing one is the horrible international shipping charge of $45. Translated into GBP this is about £24 for the toy itself at the current exchange rate (probably once the credit crunch gets sorted out this will go down to about £18) and about £30 for the shipping! So my lovely Squishable Cow would cost more to get here than it would to buy... but a lot of me thinks he would be totally, totally worth it. I mean just look at his happy smile! I could even use him as a pillow. He is happiness in plush form.

It isn't often that I blog about something other than my daily life, which admittedly is pretty dull, but hey, this cow is totally worth it.

Photos!

2008-10-26T19:22:00.006Z

Finally! Photos from the holiday!!

A view from one of the windows!

Todd on a random wall we found...

The canal

Todd on the boat (isn't he sexy??)

Me on the boat!

Amazing architecture

Part of the cathedral in Narbonne

Todd took a cool picture of the staircase xD

THE MOST AMAZING PERFUME IN THE WORLD.

Je suis retourne!

2008-10-21T10:53:00.002+01:00

(YesthereshouldbeanaccentontheEbutIcan'tmakeSafaridoitsorry.)

I am apparently a terrible blogger because I did not update the second I got back. But I don't have the photos yet because they are all on my boyfriend's phone... so I thought my post would be boring. I will add another as soon as I have them though with all the details etc., and I will also add that France apparently has magic healing powers because the infection in my piercing cleared up almost as soon as I got there. Bizarre or what? And they're still fine, so I am extremely happy with that. ^^

Britain does not know how to make pastry. Seriously. AUGHH FRENCH PAIN AU CHOCOLAT OM NOM NOM

Nnnnoooo!!!

2008-10-13T12:37:00.002+01:00

I had to take my piercings out! My beloved, beloved ear piercings!! Well actually I can keep the left one. But the right one got really badly infected, literally overnight, I must have caught it on my hair or something, so I took the stud out to drain it... and it's completely closed up. I am completely gutted. :(

Words

2008-10-12T13:54:00.002+01:00

"You have got to get it into your head that what's been said can never be unsaid. It can be forgiven and forgotten, lost to time, but you can never take it back, no matter how much you may want to. Your gut instinct isn't always right and it isn't usually best to follow that alone." - Todd

And, in my usual way, I can't think of a decent way to say sorry.

Ultra Super Duper Pro Mega Uber Organised!

2008-10-10T13:29:00.002+01:00

I am about to start packing for France. Since I can't stop worrying whether I'll forget anything, I may as well just get on with it and pack. We fly out on Tuesday, so from then until the following Monday this blog might be pretty quiet because I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to have internet access.

Man, I just love Amazon and charity shops for cheap books. I bought a couple of fantasy things to read while I'm away, here's hoping they're good! I have also decided to be an utter child and take my Gameboy Colour and Pokemon Blue with me... along with the relevant handbooks. Teehee! I am such a kid. But seriously, I had forgotten just how totally awesome and fun it is. Though I HATE everything Pokemon related after they got past the original 150 Pokemon.

Ho hum... Yeah I am really, really nervous. =/

Relationships

2008-10-06T16:25:00.003+01:00

I was thinking on the way home from town today about how single people looking from the outside in see long-term relationships, sometimes even people who are also in one. I was speaking to my friend Josh the other night (not my step-brother) about how happy he and his girlfriend Michelle always seem together, and he said, "I really wish everyone would stop saying that. They have no idea of the seven hells we go through just arguing over stupid things. There's a lot that goes on in the background that nobody ever hears about. Don't think that our relationship is perfect, it's far from it."

And that made me think about me and Todd. We've been together for well over a year now and have no intention of breaking up. On here and in my diary I always write about the good stuff, how wonderful he is, how much fun we have. But that isn't the full picture. Our relationship isn't perfect either. He does things that annoy me and I do things that frustrate him. For example, I have trust issues. He can't so much as say "Bye Sarah-babes!" to one of our mutual friends without me getting upset about it, yet I will say "Love ya!" to my guy mates and he doesn't react at all. How hypocritical am I??

I am struggling with it at the moment though, more than I usually do. I guess it's because I feel like I'm being left behind by everyone - even Todd. He's always so busy, whereas my life feels extremely empty in comparison. All of my other friends are at college. I'm now unemployed and I feel like my life is just going nowhere at the moment, which is entirely ridiculous because I'm going to France next week, and college next year (assuming I get in; I'm pretty sure I will). I just don't know what's getting me so down. Maybe just the realization that life will never be perfect or something. I feel so melancholy at the moment. I hope it isn't my S.A.D. kicking in early; I don't usually get it until December at the earliest but it's been unbelievably cold lately.

I'm sorry for being so whiny in this entry. I just don't want anyone to think that everything here is a bed of roses. It rarely is.

My 'Deadly Sin'

2008-10-05T13:16:00.002+01:00

There are seven Deadly Sins: Gluttony, Pride, Wrath, Lust, Slothfulness, Envy and Vanity. For a long time I have thought mine was Wrath, being quite grouchy and bad-tempered at times. I realized yesterday that it is actually Slothfulness. I tidy up as I go along only to avoid having to spend hours doing it later (this wonderful plan has failed me in the last week or so as my room now desperately needs cleaning and tidying). I shun exercise completely, a bad habit which got even worse when I was diagnosed with asthma nearly 2 years ago. I thought, "Yes! Now I have a valid excuse not to exercise! Woohoo!", a sentiment I am now coming to regret. I'm not overweight at 9st, but that 9st is mainly made up of FLAB, which I loathe and despise. I should note here that I used to have eating problems so I KNOW what it's like not to have any fat tissue whatsoever. I wouldn't mind being 9st if that 9st was solid muscle and tonage. But as it stands... ugh, ugh, ugh.

But do I care enough to actually get up off my arse and exercise? Not yet, but I'm getting there. I need to speak to the doctor to find out what exercise is safe for me to do. I've started doing Pilates but it's going to take a while for the effects of that to start showing.

My main problem though is that I simply loathe exercise of any kind. With the possible exception of dancing. Just the thought of going out of my way to get sweaty and exhausted makes me want to curl up under a blanket with a nice book and a box of chocolates. Which goes some way to explain the weight gain, I suppose. :)

Countryside prettiness <8

2008-10-02T17:03:00.003+01:00

Usually I really take the view from my window for granted, especially first thing in the morning. But today, it was simply beautiful, and since I haven't posted any photos for quite some time, I think I owe it to the few of you who read my blog to post some:

On a grey, windy, rainy day (which is now is), this sight can be very isolating and depressing. But when it's like this... it feels like pure freedom.

It Is Begun!!

2008-09-30T18:27:00.002+01:00

Oh, joyous day! The Wonder of Wonders hath happened! I have finally started writing my book! After nearly 10 months of grueling planning, writer's block, and frustration, behold! IT HAS BEGUN!

Creation vs. Evolution

2008-09-29T11:06:00.003+01:00

is an argument I am sick to the back teeth of. Hardcore believers and scientists screaming 'til their throats bleed about how right they are and how wrong the other person is.

Personally, creation makes a whole lot more sense to me than the big bang theory. Evolution, on its own... I can't see it happening, it's too random and chancy for there not to be divine intervention. That's just me. I am not and have never been particularly scientifically minded. I struggled with it, a lot. Same goes for maths, my brain just isn't wired that way. Also I have a strong sense of spirituality, which I can't ignore. So yes I believe there is a God. I also find it hard to place my faith in science, as it changes so much. Some people think that makes it more reliable, because it's willing to admit that it made a mistake. And that's fair enough, that's what they're comfortable with, but I would rather place my faith in something that doesn't change, because that's me. And looking at it like that, it doesn't seem so bad, right? Just my beliefs; I'm not cramming them down other peoples' throats or anything.

What I really can't stand is when people who do happen to be incredibly scientifically minded treat me as if I'm some kind of misguided ignoramus who doesn't know a thing about what I'm discussing with them, who is just too stupid to understand. Now I know that I'm reasonably intelligent; I have an IQ of 134, but I'm treated like absolute crap by these people because apparently I'm being "willfully blind" and "ignorant" in deciding that I don't want to place my faith in science and make me answer to them. If I don't, it's a pathetic case of "ha ha you can't even back yourself up... stupid girl". And the problem is, I am not scientifically minded so I find this extremely difficult to do.

Just as a disclaimer, I am equally annoyed with people who claim that science is irrelevant completely; I have even heard it described as "the works of Satan", which is absolute nonsense as far as I'm concerned. I can't stand it when pro-creationists see it as their mission in life just to argue with pro-evolutionists. It's pointless.

There are far better things in the world to worry over than this issue, and I'm sick of it.

PostSecret's curse.

2008-09-28T14:35:00.002+01:00

I'm terrified that this one is about me.

Second chances

2008-09-25T11:53:00.003+01:00

are something I am very, very thankful for. After royally screwing up my friendship with SD, along with various other people I've known and loved over the years, I am being given a chance to change by someone else. A chance to be something better. She never asks anything of me except that I be myself. I don't feel that so much any more, even with my boyfriend - when you get to know anyone I think you get into a pattern of being expected to behave in a certain way, and then you do, no matter how hard you try - so it's very... liberating. I feel like I can relax and be my own person again, I can be Me, not The Girlfriend, The Best Friend, The Singer, The Sister, The Daughter. I hope it lasts because it's just so refreshing, I feel "real" again.

I will always be thankful to have been given the chance again to prove that I can be a worthwhile friend. I went through such a difficult time a while ago, during which I pushed almost everyone who meant anything to me away - Todd included, though thankfully he stuck by me through it. I wasn't friends with her at that time really but now I feel like I've been given a chance to redeem myself - a second chance. And I know that second chances are generally given by the one you've wronged, but there are many of these kinds of second chances in life - such as second marriages, for example. Now I've been given a second chance at friendship, and I'm so thankful for it.

I'm reading a book called "Secrets of a Family Album" at the moment, by Isla Dewar. It's very, very good. I'm not even halfway through it yet but I just love it, it's so vivid and rich in language.

I have another job interview tonight, this time for a post office counter assistant, hopefully full-time. I think I'd enjoy it, but considering the way my job search has gone so far I'm not jumping the gun or getting excited about it yet. I am nervous, though. My job at the golf club ends next week and I REALLY need money for college...

=^.^=

2008-09-24T09:44:00.002+01:00

It's a kitty!! =^.^=

Man, I can not get over how much I'm changing now that I'm actually making the effort to. Well not so much changing as showing my better side, as my friend Emma pointed out to me the other day while we were on the train. Which makes me feel a lot better because I can believe now that there's a much nicer side to me than comes out a lot of the time.

One thing I've been doing over the last couple of days is swallowing my pride and working up the courage to apologize to the people I've hurt in the past - and mean it. I want to lay things to rest; life is too short to harbour resentment any more.

I just want to feel like I'm being the best I can be, you know?

...

2008-09-21T10:05:00.002+01:00

You said something

You said something stupid like,

"Love steals us from loneliness."

Happy birthday,

Are you lonely yet? - Idlewild

It Is Finished!!

2008-09-19T20:33:00.004+01:00

Yes! Finished! Waauughh!!

Okay, not strictly so - I don't have the highbed yet, and I also haven't bought any new bedding or anything... but, whatever. It's painted and my stuff's moved back in, so I am HAPPY.

Also, Chobits is AWESOME.

phew...

2008-09-19T20:33:00.003+01:00

First of all, this house is HORRIBLE LOUDER THAN USUAL. CHILRENS ARE HERE.

Also, the room is nearly nearly done! Just have to tidy up and get the new bed(ding) in and then that's me! ^^ I treated myself to a small bottle of cinnamon essential oil to burn in my oil burner, it's going to smell gorgeous. Cinnamon is arguably my favourite smell ever. (Oddly enough Todd nearly always smells faintly cinnamon-y, but I had my fixation with it long before we met. It was meant to be! :P) I dunno what it is, I just love it.

But oh, the noise. The noise...

I have been introduced to the Mighty Boosh show. It is very... quirky. But I'm finding it to be something of an acquired taste, as the more I watch it, the more I like it. Vince Noir and Naboo are probably my favourite characters. XD Is it just me, or does Naboo look a lot like Michael Jackson? Is he supposed to?

Anyway, that's all for now, folks.

Change of tune

2008-09-16T09:57:00.002+01:00

I am not going to continue feeling so guilty just for having time on my hands. Yes I could probably make much better use of it; that's just a habit that needs changing, and will be difficult to change until I find some more things for myself to do. But for today? I am going to have a nice day, and enjoy having the time to do what I want. These days are not going to last forever and I should make the most of them, not beat myself up. Todd is always telling me I need to relax and enjoy myself more, and why shouldn't I? I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders most of the time. I bought myself a face mask last week and I've just put it on. It's lovely. My skin has been terrible lately thanks to my switching my diet around so much, so hopefully this will clear it up a bit. It's an aromatherapy one and it's just packed with essential oils. It's very, very relaxing. After it's time to take it off, I'm going to go and get a nice shower, then do an extra layer on my walls and then I'm going to go and do some art work, I think. I have a couple of ideas for paintings floating around and I'd like to get them down before I lose the inspiration. I'm just going to have a day of doing what I enjoy, because I enjoy it, instead of drifting around trying not to feel guilty for everything. Why should I feel that way?

After I've done some art I think I will write for a while, either in my diary or start some drafting for the novel I've been planning for just about ever. The time has come for the first draft and, daunting as it feels, I'm quite looking forward to it. :)

Excuses of a lazy girl

2008-09-16T09:15:00.002+01:00

So, check the time. 9:15am. And what am I doing? Sitting here, typing, while downloading as many episodes of Chobits as possible while America is still offline (it took me about an hour and a half just to get one last night; I'm getting one every ten minutes at this time of the day). I am merrily drinking coffee to ease my headache, wearing my pyjamas. At quarter past nine in the morning. All of my friends are at school, college or work right now, and I am sitting here and drinking coffee.

It sort of hit me yesterday that I don't really trust myself any more. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get things done, because time stretches infinitely before me; why worry about getting it done when I can do it tomorrow? Painting my room would be a good example of this one. I had a sort of cold/fluey thing last week, so fair enough, that slowed things down a bit. But I could easily have had it done by now, and be moved back in. You don't even want to know the state my room is in... There's barely any walking space at all, and I struggle to believe I used to happily live in a mess like that until I was about 15 or so (this being the age I didn't have time in the morning and having a tidy room made it a lot easier to find those textbooks I'd forgotten to pack the night before). Ah, school days. I miss them so. I actually have something to do. Even with a job I don't have much to do because it's very, very quiet most of the time. It's no wonder I've gotten lazy.

On my to-do list today is:

> Download Chobits

> Phone the college I want to go to, to find out about stuff

> Another coat or two of paint and then get dad to finish off the high bits

> Umm...

Augh, get a life.

Money, money, money...

2008-09-14T20:40:00.002+01:00

must be funny

in a rich man's world...

I wish it wasn't something I have to worry about. And I really am starting to worry. I'm finding it much harder than I'd expected to find a new job... and I haven't saved up anywhere near as much money as I would have liked to. I've been so irresponsible with it. I don't even know where most of it has gone. I know this was my first real job so it was bound to happen, I just wish I had tried harder.

There always seem to be expenses though. For example, winter clothes? I have barely any. And I'm going to need them. It isn't something I can do without. And of course, Christmas. And birthdays. Things you can't really overlook.

You know what, just in general lately I have had almost no self-control. It's horrendous, and worrying. Will I be able to manage my finances in college? Really? I'd like to think so but unless I seriously get a grip and change my habits, fast, I'm going to run into big, big problems later. I don't want to be in debt. I don't want to have to struggle. It scares me.

I just... I don't know what's going on with me at the moment. I feel so closed-off from everything, like I'm harbouring too many secrets. And I feel like I need to just cry, and cry, and cry.

Oh for crying out loud.

2008-09-13T19:49:00.002+01:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/health/newsid_7583000/7583956.stm

Read that first.

Seriously, when are people going to get OVER this? PEOPLE SMOKE POT. They're going to regardless of the so-called law. Seriously, just... deal with it. Let people live their lives. If by some rare chance they do go insane, it's their own fault for being irresponsible. Why are people attacking a minority of mental illness due to cannabis when getting liver disfunction from YEARS and YEARS of getting SMASHED OUT OF YOUR FACE, picking up STDs, spreading them, needing emergency abortions, embarrassing yourself and your friends, trashing your relationships and otherwise screwing up your life - why is that ACCEPTABLE?? AUUUGHHHH PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID.

I Am Miraculously Healed! =D

2008-09-12T19:36:00.003+01:00

Seriously, this is bizarre... last night it was like, I blinked and felt better... it was so freaking weird. And I have been much much better today, too. Hooray for Lucozade! I should be paid by them for the amount of advertising I do. It is the answer to all health problems! A miracle drug! Seriously it has an amazing effect on me... ^^

Tonight, mum and me put the world to rights. Both of us have a lot of emotional stuff going on in our different ways, and talking them out has really helped us both so much. ^^ It's been really nice. And I sort of realized, life isn't so serious as I make it out to be. Some things are just destined to happen, so I might as well enjoy myself. I bought a mug for my boyfriend's birthday which contains his philosophy in a nutshell:

He knows not where he's going
For the ocean will decide
It's not the destination
It's the glory of the ride

And that is so true of life. He highlighted this for me today; I asked why he seemed to not care very much about what I thought, and he replied, "If I took every single thing you said to heart, where would we be? ... A very depressed couple, I should think... You need to relax, love." Which is very true.

On a complete tangent, you must watch this Emo Phillips video. It's eight minutes long but the end is SO WORTH IT.

I Has The Cold. Dx

2008-09-11T19:33:00.002+01:00

Whaaaaggghhh.

I am a total baby when I have the cold. Other illnesses I can sortof put up with, but if it's the cold or the flu, you can just forget any hope you had of me being a brave, quiet patient. I will frequently sneeze, cough, blow my nose, whimper, and tell you how sore/tired/nauseous/hot/snuffly/poorly I am, while lounging pathetically on the sofa in a pile of cushions, possibly a blanket, snotty tissues strewn all around me like giant, infected snowflakes, a book or two and a mug of Lemsip. It's all rather pathetic really. Of course, being a human and therefore a hypocrite, if anyone else has the cold and acts like this, I think they are a complete wuss. And then I catch their cold and instantly regret the thought, as the runny nose, headaches, and spending-all-night-sneezing kick in.

Ugh, I feel terrible. And I'm meant to be at work tomorrow... They'll be lucky.

To blog or not to blog?

2008-09-09T11:27:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I ask myself the point of it: sending out my small, simple thoughts into the vast cosmos that is the Internet. I ask myself, who's going to read it? Who's going to care? Very few, I should think, since my blog doesn't relate to anything that specific. Sometimes I'm tempted to delete this, to start over with some central topic of interest. But, my life isn't very interesting. So I wouldn't know where to start.

My co-worker killed a wasp the other day. Just picked up a book and crushed it, even when I'd asked her not to, I'd take it outside myself. She threw its remains in the bin and told me I could have a funeral when she left. I'm not sure what spurned my recent hatred for killing insects; I guess it's just that they're alive, they have their place in the world too. They live pretty short lifespans as it is, can't we just do them a favour and let them get on with it?

Life, Music

2008-09-07T15:03:00.004+01:00

Sorry for not posting in a while... been so busy with my room (one wall be painted! whoo!) and some emotional stuff... The last wee while actually has been collectively quite difficult. Once again I have failed miserably in giving advice, which has resulted in one of my best friends refusing to talk to me. It doesn't matter who it is; my best intentions always come out wrong. It's very frustrating and upsetting, but what can I do? I did apologize but the damage seems to be done. Just have to move on and learn from it I guess. Which sounds so calloused but sometimes it's the only thing left to do, and I've long given up fighting needless battles.

Over the last year or so I've made myself increasingly independant, almost to a fault as I now barely open up to anyone any more. The logic behind that being, "If they don't know, they can't manipulate me with their knowledge." Which unfortunately is something that's happened to me a lot in the past.

I dunno, I'm at a difficult place with myself at the moment.

Oh, I played my first gig last night. It went very, very well. I really enjoyed the experience. In fact I loved it. Performing is now something not to be afraid of, because I am more than capable of it. I look forward to future performances, whatever band I'm with. It's given me a taste for captivating an audience, which in turn is giving me a stronger urge than ever to start writing music of my own... Maybe I'll write about what I'm currently experiencing, who knows?

My Vox Account

2008-08-31T15:10:00.003+01:00

Click abuuurrve... They do a "question of the day" and I really enjoy posting on it. So this blog might start to be updated a little less often. :)

Room is getting there, slowly. Can't be bothered working out percentages just now, but I just have to clear away my ornaments etc. and then Todd-man is staying over Tuesday (probably) to move furniture etc and then I'm planning to paint over my weekend off. :D

D:

2008-08-26T16:28:00.003+01:00

Oh man. The chaos. The fear. I'm at a stage of moving things into their new homes... I have no idea where to start...

Chaos Status: 100%

Current Objective: Put stuff into new homes.

Percent Complete: 20%

Feeling: Aaaarrghhhh.

Approx. time left: 10 days.

Back from Montrose!

2008-08-25T13:28:00.002+01:00

Unfortunately I do not have pictures. Mother and father be away with the camera, and my phone is still away being fixed or something. But if I can I'll get the photos from Todd's granny asap and post those. ^^

Hopefully the chest of drawers will arrive today... Then I can finally get on with my room... yay!

Man I am missing Todd... I mean I usually do but it's really bad at the moment...

I hate ticking clocks.

2008-08-21T09:21:00.003+01:00

I really do. I can't block them out and I find them actually upsetting to hear. Unfortunately my mum loves them so they're all over the house (except in my bedroom, where they are forbidden entrance). Currently I can hear two ticking away. This doesn't help today's stress levels as I am waiting to hear from my new job. Am I going to get a second interview? Will they call me if I don't? I don't know. And I can't really do much except sit here until mum gets back, as there is no one else in the house to answer the phone if I happen to be in the bath/shower/etc. Although what the etc. would be I don't know, it's not like we have a hot tub. >_>

I was thinking of doing some writing until she gets back... working on my book to be precise. The characters keep annoying me to write them. I'm not sure about going into fantasy any more though. It's too easy to be accused of plagiarism, copying, etc. Or it can go the other way, and you're accused of making it too simple and wishy-washy. I may write it just to get it out of my system though. Whatever else I write I always end up wanting to write fantasy again. It's weird.

Been a while...

2008-08-20T11:41:00.002+01:00

Sorry I haven't updated for a while, it's been a pretty busy week. I've had a job interview and I may have a second one tomorrow. It seems like a really nice, busy job and I think I'd enjoy it a lot more than what I'm doing now. Plus there would be the bonus of having more money... and therefore the option of moving out, if I wanted to. I will also be able to build up SVQs while I'm there, which would help me get into college to do Admin if I wanted to later on. Returning to school would be hard for me now though I think, but I'd still consider it.

The room isn't progressing much. Since I last wrote I've managed to clear out one more drawer, wow. The trouble is I can't do much more until I get my small chest of drawers, which will be on Monday. And I have to allow time for varnishing it, too, so my original two-week plan isn't really going to work. Though having said that, once I move my stuff, getting things ready for painting shouldn't take me too long at all. And once it's painted, I only have to get a new duvet cover and a few candles etc and I'll be ready to "move in". I've just thought of one complication though - the fluffy toys I'm keeping, i.e. where are they going to go? I will probably have to buy one of those toy hammock things.

I'm going to start learning to drive soon, which I think I already mentioned. Todd, unfortunately, failed his test again - his examiner was extremely picky - so his instructor has recommended he gets himself a car so that he can practise more often. He's a good driver and has the skills he needs, he just needs to learn how to deal with different situations more. This is going to work out pretty nicely for me, too, because by the time he's finished with the car - which will only be a few months as he wants to upgrade when he passes his test - I will probably be able to buy and insure it for myself. Once I've passed I will have so much more independance...

Anyway, I need to get lunch and then go to work. I really hope I will be able to move on from there soon...

Hit a dead-end!

2008-08-14T14:16:00.002+01:00

I don't think I can really do much more until I get my new chest of drawers! L'horreur! This will not be for another week! After that though, I think things will move very very quickly. We can hope. D:

Slow progress...

2008-08-12T19:26:00.002+01:00

It's weird, I got a fair amount done today but it feels like I achieved NOTHING. Mainly because my room looks pretty much the same as it did yesterday... but at least I'm getting the drawers empty...

I forgot to decide what percentage counted for what... So as a guide...

Moving stuff out will come up to about 25% of my total... this includes furniture and taking stuff to charity shops, etc.
15% will be devoted to sorting out my drawers.
Painting will take up about 30%.
15% will be getting in new furniture and bedding etc.
10% will be organizing my stuff into my new space.
The final 5% will be achieved when I have done the finishing touches to my room, such as putting up pictures, ornaments, etc.

And that, hopefully, will be it... I am almost finished my dressing table drawers, just the jewelry one to go, which I don't think I can physically do until I get a decent-sized jewelry box, or at least empty out one of my old wooden boxes and use it instead... I also have two drawers in my chest-of-drawers to go, and one of my wardrobes. I may also have to go through my other one again to make extra space. And my bookcase will need to be sorted out at some point.

Other than that my day hasn't been great. Just work. Found out I almost definitely can't make my college open day in Fife so that was disappointing. Also checked out my (potential) new job and I dunno how shabby it's gonna be... it's a nice environment when you forget I'll be staring at a wall all day.

Chaos Status: 80%

Current Objective: Get my stuff sorted.

Percent Complete: 8.85%

Feeling: Phew. The worst part's nearly over.

Approx. time left: 2 weeks

I Call For Change, Part 1

2008-08-11T19:55:00.005+01:00

Well, I will call this the official Day One of doing up my room. In the words of my late Irish grandmother, "Hell's bells and buckets of bloody blood!!" Check this out!

This is the current chaos status of my bedroom. Why the chaos? Because I'm not just redecorating. I'm axing about 50% of my storage furniture. Which requires a lot of clearing out of stuff I never use or even look at... That there in the black bag is mainly my "collection" of hideous, old or crusty (or all three) make up I have accumulated over the years... I swear I don't know how half of it even got there... the purple box is the space I'm trying to cut my storage down into... so I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff...

This is the same chaos from a different angle.

I still have to sort that out.
And my art drawer's contents need to be moved.

Along with that of the dreaded Drawer of Half-Used Notebooks and Pens. Aaargh.

Doing all of this is really making me think though. How can I really have this much stuff I don't need? I mean I also have another 3 or 4 drawers to sort through before I will be able to say, "Okay, done." It's really quite frightening how easy it is to accumulate waste and then throw it away a few years later...

What's also scary is that the "new" bed will be arriving in about two weeks. My possible mother-in-law-to-be is having to get a new bed for her other son, Sam, so I've offered to take his old high-bed off her hands. She was just glad to see it go, so I got a free bed which would usually cost me around £200... For which I'm most thankful! I'm also getting my paint free (my dad is a sort of decorator) and a desk (in dad's office, which he barely uses), so I'm really managing to do this quite cheaply, which is good since I really don't earn that much money. But I need to have everything cleared out, sorted, painted and ready for the bed in two weeks. Can I do it? We'll see!

I will give the following updates over the next two weeks in all my entries:

Chaos Status: 85%

Current Objective: Get my stuff sorted and put into its new home.

Percent Complete: 2%

Feeling: Aaargh I am never going to manage this in two weeks ever.

Approx. time left: 2 weeks

I Call For Change

2008-08-05T17:52:00.002+01:00

I am so sick of my bedroom! I have too much furniture/stuff. Which makes me sound incredibly spoiled... let me explain. I have hoarded too many things over the years, things that I have absolutely NO need for at all, and so it's become useless clutter that somebody else could make good use of. I'm tired of feeling like I'm an adult sleeping in a child's bedroom. And yes there will always be part of me that loves stuffed toys and rainbows, but I certainly do not need 147. I went through them all AGES ago and decided which ones were sentimental yet, 110 of those toys are STILL in my bed (as in the drawers underneath, not in with me)! It seems so wasteful.

The other thing is, I'm not making good enough use of my space. I have a pretty big room but it feels so small because there's so much stuff holding onto my clutter. So very soon I'm planning to clear out, redecorate, obtain a high-bed and make myself some more room in here.

Oh I am not a clever cookie.

2008-08-04T12:15:00.002+01:00

This should give you all a laugh.

Last night I decided to make Italian chilli for my family's dinner. All went well, cut up the chillis, bla bla bla. Tasted great. But, I ignored the advice to wear gloves. Now I have burning irritation in some of my fingers, and I also nearly burned my eye out last night with remnants of chilli when I was trying to get my (stuck) contact lens out. ._. Was NOT a pretty sight... luckily though, my eye seems fine... apparently chilli can actually blind you so I think I've gotten off very lightly. I was smart though. About ten saline baths and I also used my allergy eye-drops. So... yeah. That's me.

That was... unexpected...

2008-08-02T10:08:00.002+01:00

He told me. He actually told me. And apologized... I'm still kinda shell-shocked, to be honest. But at least I understand the situation better now. I still think he dealt with things badly, and I still think he made a big mistake. But he acknowledged that. I feel like I can really put it behind me now. And call him "dad" and mean it.

Also, a new job opportunity has come up as a receptionist at a local company. It doesn't say when it starts so I'm going to apply for it. I might as well. I really want to get a full time job and possibly move out. I want more independence.

Killing time, killing time...

2008-07-31T18:52:00.002+01:00

Going out with the real dad tonight at eight. Am nervous. Haven't seen him since my birthday (April) plus I'm planning on asking him about the divorce and actually getting an answer out of him... should be interesting since I always seem to start crying hysterically. Although having said that, I'm pretty much over it now, I just want to know his side of the story. And why on earth he is still with That Woman, who treats him like crap, when he would be happier getting divorced again and spending the rest of his life as a bachelor. It doesn't make sense.

I just wish I could understand him. Or that he could understand me. We are so alike and he just doesn't see it, it's as if Dawn, his daughter, is an alien species or something. And alright I didn't speak to him for three years or something. Or even see him at all. But I was hurt, and angry. And a lot younger. I didn't know what else to do.

He's never, ever talked to me about it. He just told me he wasn't sorry. But I think that was a lie, now that the novelty of it all's worn off for him. To be honest I think he had a midlife crisis or a nervous breakdown or something. I don't think he knew what he was doing. Not really.

I feel bad for him. He threw his family away and now there's no one there to love him any more.

You know your life is boring when:

2008-07-30T18:57:00.002+01:00

1. The only irony in it is drinking "detox" tea from a Green Day mug (the Green Day of which I speak is the original kind... not their recent pop-punk nonsense).

2. You can appreciate Blur.

3. You are excited by rainbow guitar straps, said mug's discovery in a discount store, and feeling proud of yourself for wearing shorts.

4. The thought of being an office junior instead of a part-time shop assistant seems like a life upgrade.

Good Lord.

"I was thinking, overthinking..."

2008-07-26T19:11:00.002+01:00

"Because there's just too many scenarios

To analyze...

Cuz I think way too much

On a one-track mind

And you're so out of touch

Cuz I'm so far behind

I'm trying to make sense

Out of all of this

While your fading sand

Just slips through my grip." - Overthinking by Relient K.

It's a well-known fact that I think far too much. Lately though it has been worse... so much worse. I can't stop. All the time there are thoughts flooding in and out of my head, several at a time, sometimes only half-thoughts because I don't get a chance to finish them, and then - like now - it just turns into this huge blur of stressy feelings and it's just horrible. I get so irritable because I'm so busy untangling my thoughts that I don't want to be interrupted. Yet, when someone asks what's wrong or what's on my mind, I just say, "I don't know." Because I don't know. I'm sitting here right now listening to my brother while typing this without even looking... Because my mind is so busy.

I don't know why. I just... can't make it stop. It's so horrible. I feel like I'm going insane.

History, Politics and Economics

2008-07-24T11:00:00.002+01:00

I am a huge geek at heart. I find all of the above fascinating and, at the moment, infuriating, as I watch the so-called "leaders" of Britain pulling it apart at the seams. Their latest ploy is to tackle binge drinking by putting yet more tax on alcohol. Which to be honest is the worst possible move they could make. It doesn't matter how expensive it is; if people want to drink, and drink a lot, they will. Booze is easy to get hold of, and if you buy it at the supermarket, relatively cheap. They also aren't questioning why Britons want to drink themselves into a stupor. In the face of the economic squeeze, it's many people's only outlet for the depression it seems to be causing. Add to this the fact that a significant number of people feel that they can't be confident in themselves without a drink down them, and it seems pretty obvious that Britain has a social problem, not a drink problem.

But will politicians see this? Of course not. They're interested in statistics, not the real world.

1984, by George Orwell

2008-07-21T16:05:00.003+01:00

Yes, after seven and a half months, I have checked another book off of my reading list. It was very... disturbing, to be honest... like an exaggerated version of today's world. But it is very worth reading, and the ending was quite unexpected, yet not unbelievable at the same time. George Orwell is a very good author.

You think it'll make a difference, do you?

2008-07-19T14:52:00.002+01:00

Title links to a BBC news article. Apparently 18% of 16-17 year olds are "doing nothing", so they're going to be setting up more apprenticeships and diplomas to get them into work, and if they don't there's going to be huge social and economic problems (as if there aren't already!).

Just because someone has a job it doesn't mean they're happy or that they're contributing to the economy in any way. I work part-time at a golf club and I earn so little that I rarely, if ever, get taxed. What am I "contributing"? Why should I contribute in the first place?

Yes there's the NHS (which is underfunded and badly run). Taxes go toward that. But believe me if I ever won a significant sum of money the FIRST THING I would do would be to pay for my loved ones to get private healthcare.

The government is so full of crap.

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rock star...

2008-07-17T14:45:00.003+01:00

I HAVE SHADES!!!!!! For the first time in 5 years! No more glasses! I LOVE CONTACTS!!!

Photo fest!

2008-07-16T20:10:00.004+01:00

This is me in the mouse hat I made. Posing with one of the roses Todd bought me.

It's a monster truck. Whoo!

Me again.

A heron!

Sandy (my dog) and Lily (my nan's puppy) having a nuzzle.

And, just for fun:

Me and my best mate, Gethyn, time traveling. The theory goes that the faster you move the faster through time you travel (though only slightly). We're on a train. So we're time traveling. Ish.

This Guy Is A Legend.

2008-07-15T20:44:00.003+01:00

Kyle MacDonald. The guy who traded one red paperclip for a house. In a year.

Go there. Read. Buy the book.

And then wonder what crazy dreams I'm going to start chasing.

A hair-raising disaster? or am I getting indie?

2008-07-14T12:08:00.003+01:00

I decided to cut my fringe back in today. My hair grows much faster than most people's and I always feel it's a waste of money going to the hairdresser just for a trim. It didn't go entirely to plan, mainly because, unbeknown to me, our hairdressing scissors are terribly blunt and I had to sortof hack it to get anywhere. Figuring it could hardly get worse, I back-combed it:

I can't decide if it's horrendous or just totally awesome. Obviously I can't wear it like this to work... I would probably be beheaded. So I'll have to find another way of distracting attention from that fringe until then. Perhaps I could claim to belong to a weird cult that requires I cover myself with a headband or something. :P

I am going to be busy today. I finished my mouse hat, which I have yet to pose in for Bebo, MySpace, etc. I also have to catch up on my Open Uni course, which to be frank I can't WAIT to finish. I got a lot out of it at first but now it's just dragging me down; however a week on Friday is the deadline for our last assessment (which I haven't started) and then freeeedom!! Off I go into my magical land of pottery and amigurumi! I also hope to get started on my laundry, and finally sit down and get through the 6 books I took out from the library. I am terrible for taking out too many and then never reading them.

Something else I can't wait for is getting a new job. Mine will end in September/October time (seasonal work) and I very much doubt I will return to it. I'm hoping to get a job as a receptionist with more consistent hours after I've had my holiday in Spain.

Anyway, I really must go: Too much to do, too little time.

Flowers for the Lady

2008-07-08T16:09:00.002+01:00

Well I'm back from my stay at Todd's. Actually I was back last night, but I had work this morning, hence the late updating. Our anniversary was fun; the flowers I sent him arrived on time and he bought me a bouquet of cream roses, my absolute favourite. We ended up playing badminton in torrential rain; it was rather fun. :)

My mum is going to be opening an Etsy shop soon, selling handmade toy bunnies. She hasn't decided on her final design yet (she can't choose between knitting or sewing them) but everything she's come up with so far has been really cute. Speaking of craft, my mouse hat is coming along nicely! I just have to make the ears now. I'm also going to try to find air-drying clay to buy online. I used to love making pots and sculptures in art when I was still at school and it's a hobby I'd like to pick up again. I'm also going to renew my gym membership! Yes! After a year and a half of avoiding all exercise based on my asthma I've decided to stop letting it defeat me and get myself in shape.

I'm sorry for not posting too many pictures lately. I'll do a massive photo-fest soon. :)

Thankless Beauty

2008-07-03T14:03:00.003+01:00

I have decided that I hate the media. Not newspaper or radio; they seem to have remained reasonable. But tv, movies, and magazines, I could (and generally) do without. I'm tired of seeing adverts for diet plans, fads, schemes and ideas. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I don't get my 5-a-day, forsaking that apple for a few gummy sweets. For crying out loud, I'm only a size 10. But having been a size 6, it bothers me. I know that some of my weight, about half a stone, is because of the medication I'm on. But it doesn't seem fair: I already eat about as low-fat and low-sugar as a person can (allowing myself the odd treat of some Kettle Chips or a roll of Winegums), what else am I supposed to do? Most exercise is ruled out for me because of asthma, otherwise I'd probably be at the gym twice a week.

The media puts way too much pressure on women to be perfect. Everyone wants that "hourglass" figure that fits perfectly into everything. Way too much emphasis is placed on celebrities and how they look and what they eat and what they're doing. I don't think any woman really knows what beauty is any more, not least myself. My boyfriend will tell me I'm beautiful and my first instinct is to say, "No I'm not," instead of, "Thank you." I hate that. Why can't we just accept ourselves for what we are?

Because millions of companies across the world are trying to sell us their fads. And those people will do anything to blind us to the truth.

Into July

2008-07-03T11:38:00.004+01:00

Well, I seem to have fully resolved my relationship troubles, which is a Very Good Thing as it's our *actual* anniversary on Sunday 6th! Together a year... how awesome is that? Even awesomer, I'll have been with him four times longer than I have any other person... He is a very special guy. :)

I highly recommend reading "How Cheap Can I Eat?". I'm finding it very interesting so far. Probably because I'm interested in things like the economy and how it affects us... *is huge geek* Speaking of which, I've figured out what I want to do at college! I'm going to do the 2+2 scheme, which is something that is exclusive to Scotland. Basically, you do two years in college and then automatically get transferred to its partner university to get your honours degree (another two years). It's good if going straight into uni feels a bit daunting (which it does). So I'm going to do Social Sciences at college and then go onto Behavioural Science for my degree. I'm fascinated by how much our environment affects us. After that, I'm not sure - I might get a counseling diploma or something, or go into social work. I'm not sure. Unfortunately I can't go to college this year because it's too late to apply etc. But I will DEFINITELY be going next year. I'm getting very bored and frustrated because I'm not learning anything new, and I miss being around people my own age.

Tomorrow I'm going into town with Gethyn, one of my best mates. We haven't seen each other for weeks, so we're gonna catch the train and go and see Kung Fu Panda. Yes, we do both claim to be mature and possibly even responsible young adults. Whatever. It looks hilarious. After that, I'm getting my ears pierced... ooo. I've had them done before, twice in fact, but both times I had them done with a gun, which is incredibly bad for you. I'll be getting them done with needles this time. I am kinda nervous because I'm not sure how much it will hurt. But I'm mainly excited. After my ears got infected the second time, mum wouldn't let me get them done again. But no more! I am 18! *evil laughter* Since we were about 15 or 16 Gethyn and I have talked about going to get them done together. It's like a mark of independence. I hope I can live up to it.

Eventually, I hope to have both lobes pierced twice, and have one or two rings at the top of my right ear, and possibly a bar through my left (I'm undecided on that one). I've also thought about getting my lip done, but I'm definitely not sure about that. Even less certain about getting a tattoo. I think they can look beautiful but I'd be scared in case I changed my mind about it later. Getting them removed can be very expensive.

So that's the news. Very soon Todd and I are going to start writing music together. I'm quite excited about it. Hopefully over the summer we'll get to see more of each other. :)

Chapter 6: In which Dawn realizes that all is not as it appears.

2008-06-30T10:07:00.003+01:00

Just to rip off A. A. Milne. :)

This has been a very weird month for me, emotionally speaking. As usual my favourite song is extremely appropriate.

I feel fine enough I guess
Considering everything's a mess.

Like a dream you try to remember but it's gone, when you
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, and you
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

Yeah. So. Yeah. How to explain... I'm sure my entries must seem very random and detached this month. Maybe I should try to consolidate a little. There's been a lot of disappointment this month, which led to me questioning my path. Unfortunately that in turn led to what I thought was a broken pattern in my relationships.

I'll have to backtrack here. I had quite a lot of boyfriends in highschool, nothing serious, just the usual flirty nonsense you get there. But whenever something 'clicked' and things started really working out, I would suddenly start hating myself and then subconsciously go out to try and make whoever I was with at the time hate me too. This of course also led to my losing a lot of good friends over the years as people took sides etc. As soon as the smoke cleared I realized I had lost something good and got really upset about it, not understanding what had happened.

There was one guy, though, called Matthew. I can safely say he was the only person I have been with who had me completely figured out. Even Todd says that part of me remains a mystery to him. But Matthew? Hell no. He knew exactly what was going on and he confronted me about it. This was how it went down (after we broke up the second time):

Me: "So... you're okay?"

Matt: "I'm kinda hurt and pretty annoyed, but I'll get over it. Whereas you, if you keep doing this, you are never going to be happy."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Matt: "I mean always trying to find problems in your relationships with people. If you don't find any, you make them. Invent them. Twist things. You're a f***ing hypocrite. But one day, one day there's going to be someone, someone you want to be with for the rest of your life, and you're going to throw the entire thing away and then regret it for the rest of your life. Stop pretending to be perfect and instead try to make yourself a better person. I love you and everything but really, you're the most dumbass person I've met in a long time."

This was a good few years ago now, so I probably haven't quoted him quite right, but that was the gist of it. I'll clarify here he wasn't saying it nastily, he had a very gentle and friendly tone when he said it. I know it's hard to believe given the swearing etc., but that was just how he was.

The thing is, he was totally right about me. I hadn't remembered his advice until I was in the shower this morning. I realized, I've found that person. The one I want to be with, no matter what. And you know, I can't do this any more.

At the start of this year, I decided I was going to be nothing but myself. It's not all it's cracked up to be. All I've done is realized how pathetic, selfish and negative I am. I'm nothing like the person I want to be - or the person I pretend to be. Only my diary sees me as I truly am and believe me, it ain't a pretty sight.

I start a new diary tomorrow. I'm going to be a better person.

And Matthew, even though you and I were so different, even though I treated you so badly - thank you so much for that advice you gave me. I know that we will probably never see each other again and that you will never read this, but still, thank you. You just saved my relationship from me. xxx

If Someone Would Care To Tell Me Why...

2008-06-28T18:31:00.002+01:00

1. I'm in the band I am? Everyone else is aged 14-15. I'm 18. Maturity-wise it's a pretty big gap. It also feels like stepping back in time because we're playing EXACTLY the kind of music I'd have died to when I was that age.

2. I am tempted by this? I'm 5'3 and weigh 8st2, maybe 4. Most people tell me I'm pretty slim as I fit into a size 10, and can squeeze into an 8 if I want everyone in the world seeing my belly button. I think it's because I had an eating disorder... I KNOW what it's like to have practically no body fat, so having this much just feels... ugh.

3. I'm so bored of life?

Sorry for whinging, again, but I feel like nothing is changing. At all. And I'm very tired by that.

Post 100?

2008-06-28T09:45:00.002+01:00

Well according to my dashboard, this is post 100. According to my page, it's post 94. This is probably because I have a few entries I saved as drafts as they were too personal to post.

It's funny, you expect to feel something when you get into triple-digits, but you don't. I know it is customary among some bloggy circles to have a giveaway when you hit your 100th post. As far as I know it's only Natalie who actually reads this blog, BUT I will make a poll or something and you can all vote as to what the giveaway should be. My blog is too varied so I don't know what would be appropriate.

After that, when we get to Post 100 according to my page, everyone who wants a chance at winning can leave a comment and I'll pick a name at random out of a hat or something. :)

---

Part II of this entry is following on from the Spirituality topic I was writing about the other day. Today I was reading some of the story of Elijah, who although a renowned prophet in Christianity isn't a biblical figure I'm very familiar with. I read 1 Kings 17-19:18. To my surprise I actually found it extremely helpful. I think what I've been doing is, not taking God for who he is and trying to make him be something he isn't. I largely blame spending my teens in a Southern Baptist church for that as they tend to twist the whole thing into rules and regulations, with very little emphasis placed on grace.

So I'm going to keep searching and seeking, and I think get myself re-grounded in my faith. It's so easy to let it slip... But I will go on in Christianity because it's the only thing I've found that fully makes sense to me.

The Joys of Life... heh.

2008-06-27T15:52:00.001+01:00

Well, once again my plans fall through! Yay! Life is so wonderful. As is smashing the last of my favourite blusher all over the floor.

This has been the greatest day.